I think there is a lot to be said about trials and pain, heartache and frustration. What does the eternal perspective, the one in which we know we are being perfected for that day when Christ comes again; that day when nothing will matter and we will realize that this life was over in a brief moment? Already my child, baby Noah, has grown noticeably; aren't we all the same way? So what does that mean?
While I was in the hospital on Thursday night, I was projected back to fear of the unknown. It seemed for one brief period, my doubts came flooding in and I found myself in doubt. I was afraid that I wouldn't see Noah full grown, that I would leave Kelly alone, and that my time after the transplant was just a gift and now it was my turn to go to my real home. Silly, really, is all it was, for as I finished the first massive immuno suppressive steroid stint, I laughed and said, "What is there to fear?"
All I have to do is look back on the past few weeks and see that my God is fully capable of doing the impossible. He already has and I, along with many of you, have seen it manifested in my recovery. So really, what do I have to be afraid of? Fear is just a cage employed by the enemy to keep us in a place where we cannot praise God. And I for one will not live that way.
Friday morning was a different story. I woke up, got unattached to all of my I.V.'s, and walked around the inside and outside of the hospital, free to meet people and listen to the worship on my IPOD I downloaded. It was one of the sweetest experiences I have had in a long time. Truth be known, God met me yet again, and it was intoxicating. I wouldn't trade it for a moment.
I guess that is where I am at right now. This past experience in the hospital was an awakening one for me. I know that my life is given to me each day so that I can praise God and give Him glory despite the circumstances around me. Others see that and it is not to my glory, but something I am so fortunate enough to be chosen for. I cannot run from this or it will only leave me bitter. Instead, when I run TO it, I see God's intimacy, experience His peace, and love what He alone supplies. Can trials be my bed of protection?
I feel not like a sailboat being tossed back and forth wherever the Spirit blows; rather, I feel that the Kingdom of God is a massive train moving forward with power, authority, and intentionality. I am the train tracks. My life needs to be laid down, ready to take on whatever happens, so that the advancement of the Kingdom happens over, through, and wherever I am.
Some who read this may have a problem with me saying that I am okay with the pain in my life and the experiences I have been called to go through. That theology may be hard to swallow. People pray for complete healing and restoration in my life so that I can live a life to the fullest. I believe so passionately that the life I am living while going through these trials may be fuller than a life lived free of pain, because the intoxicating grace fills me each day with the hope of my future home and what all of this is producing. God has blessed me so abundantly with a powerful testimony of Him and what He is accomplishing. I get to be a part of this glorious thing I am going through, because God's glory and Kingdom advancing are all that matter. Not how much money I make, how happy I am with my job, lifestyle, or what have you.
Full steam ahead, the train is coming. And I get to be a part of that in a powerful way.
With Love,
Daniel and Kelly Parkins
